Personal relationship coaching and advice

AskDr.Jackie.com Goes LIVE

2006-05-16T08:05:00.000-07:00

We are happy to announce the launch of our new blog at http://www.AskDrJackie.com

The RSS Feed for this new blog is located here.

This is a fully open discussion blog with subscription vial email and RSS readers enabled, so please drop by and Ask Dr Jackie!

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

Dr. Jackie and the dedicated team at DrJackieBlack.com

ANNOUNCEMENT

2005-08-16T13:58:00.000-07:00

We’re pleased to tell you that our online problems are fixed! Watch for our daily BLOG postings to begin again soon!

Remember, only YOU can make it happen!

Dr. Jackie and the dedicated team at DrJackieBlack.com

Technical Challenges!

2005-05-19T11:29:00.000-07:00

I am sorry to inform you that I am experiencing some computer difficulties and will not be able to post my daily blogs until I am back online. Thank you for your understanding and watch for me to be back soon!

Until then, remember...
Only YOU can make it Happen!

Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say

2005-05-18T17:50:00.000-07:00

Most of us know how to speak. Many of us have never learned how to communicate.

To communicate clearly and effectively you must understand there are two sides to every communication – the one who sends the communication and the one who receives it.

Likewise, there are two methods of communication – verbal and non-verbal communication. Don’t forget – just because you may not be speaking, doesn’t mean you are not saying something. Often, not saying something can be more important than saying something.

Avoid the five behaviors that don’t work in communicating: “Justifying,” “Blaming,” “Being a Victim,” “Seeking Approval” and “Hinting By Asking Questions.” These behaviors cause confusion and misunderstandings and never move a conversation forward to a mutually satisfying conclusion.

Speak from the “I” position. “I” language is very useful for helping you assertively and accurately express what is going on inside you and express scary or negative feelings or thoughts to someone else.

An “I’ message has three parts: a feeling or a request; a factual description of the situation or event; and the impact, effect or result it has/had on you.

Be direct, use simple and clear words and be specific.

Complaining is a healthy way to convey your grievances and objections when your desires and needs go unmet.

Request a change after you have aired your complaint.

Avoid criticizing another person. Period! Criticizing is a desire expressed with negative energy. Criticizing is complaining gone awry.

Express your angry feelings respectfully and responsibly. Anger is a normal and natural feeling state. The impulse to attack is hostility, and the behavior of attacking is violence.

Until next time remember,

Only YOU can make it Happen!

10 Tips For Safe Internet Dating

2005-05-17T17:39:00.000-07:00

Being safe and staying safe is your number one job! You are meeting complete strangers and unfortunately, some people are not who they represent themselves to be.

You must be conscious, alert and pro-active at all times. Here are my Top 10 Tips For Staying Safe when you date on the Net.

Get a completely new web e-mail account on Yahoo.com or Hotmail.com just for dating. Do not use your existing email account because doing so could allow someone to trace you if they wanted to find out who and where you are. Yahoo and Hotmail do not require complete personal information to set up accounts.

Get a telephone voicemail account or a pager. Instead of your home, office or cell phone numbers, give out that special dating number to prospective dates.

Do not give out your home or business address, or make reference to your home neighborhood. Never allow anyone to pick you up at your home or office, and do not pick up anyone at his or her home or office.

Before you make a plan to meet face-to-face for the first time, be sure you have important information about him or her in addition to the information on the standard profile you fill out (phone numbers, business information, friends/co-workers/neighbors, etc.). Call the number(s) to be sure they are real and valid.

Meet during the day in a very busy, public place and in a neighborhood not close to your home or office.

Always tell a friend or two that you are going to meet someone you have been corresponding with on the Internet. Tell your friend who you are meeting, where you are meeting, the time and when you expect to return home.

Take along a cell phone and have friends call periodically.

Park your car down the street, never in an adjacent parking lot or on the street in front of the designated meeting place. If you are taking a bus, train, the Tube or Metro or other public transportation, be sure you are not followed when you enter those vehicles after the meeting.

Do not allow anyone to walk you to your car. Tell them you have other shopping to do in the mall or in a nearby store. Be sure they leave the area before you go to your car.

If at any time something doesn’t feel right, or you start to feel uneasy, uncomfortable or in any danger, change the situation until you feel safe, including ending the meeting.

Ensure your safety first, above all else! Only you can make you feel safe.

Until next time remember,

Only YOU can make it Happen!

10 Tips For Successful Internet Dating

2005-05-16T16:09:00.000-07:00

Internet Dating has become a popular, legitimate and preferred way to date. Men and women across the globe are talking about – and are interested in – Internet Dating.

Your success depends on you becoming conscious, forthcoming about your needs and requirements, and developing excellent listening skills.

Here are my Top 10 Tips For Success when you date on the Net.

Give serious thought to who you are, who you are interested in meeting and how you might describe yourself and your ideal match.

Focus on writing a great profile that does two things: gets you “found” and gets responses from people who zero in on your ideal match.

Post a current photograph. Ask yourself, “How do I want to present myself?” “How do I want people to see me?” “What do I want them to know when they read about me?” And please make sure you post your photo — not someone else’s!!

Resist embellishing and exaggerating. Integrity is not a choice. Integrity lives inside us and is part of every action, reaction, interaction, choice and decision.

Be timely. Answer the responses and initial inquiries within three to four days. It is considered good etiquette to answer all emails since people have taken the time and effort to communicate with you.

Think about each email as an opportunity to get to know another new person. Be curious and interested.

Move to the phone after two to five emails. The faster you move from email to the telephone, the faster you will be able to pay attention to little clues that may alert you to a potential “plus” or a potential problem.

Gradually collect information to assess and determine if you want to meet this person face-to-face.

Watch for red flags. Most people are on their best behavior when you first meet. Stay observant and don’t make any excuses for any bad or questionable behavior.

Ensure your safety first above all else! Being safe and staying safe is your responsibility. Only you can make you feel safe.

Until next time remember…

Only YOU can make it Happen!

19 Simple Remiders For A Richer, More Meaningful Life

2005-05-14T18:57:00.000-07:00

Recently, I received the “Instructions For Life” by the Dali Lama in an email from a very dear friend.

Whether or not you embrace the teachings of the Dali Lama, these “Instructions” seem very universal to me and something we can all benefit from being reminded about every now and again.

I am always grateful to be reminded of what is truly important. I hope this is a welcome reminder for you too.

Take into account that great love and great achievements involve risk.

When you loose, don’t loose the lesson.

Follow the 3 R’s:

Respect for Self;
Respect for others and
Responsibility for all your actions.

Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.

Learn all the rules so you know how to break them properly.

Don’t let a little dispute injure a great relationship.

When you realize you’ve made a mistake take immediate steps to correct it.

Spend some time alone every day.

Open arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.

A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.

In a disagreement with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.

Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.

Be gentle with the earth.

Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.

Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.

Judge your success by what you have to give up in order to get it.

Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.

Until next time remember,

Only YOU can make it Happen!

How Do You Set Boundaries?

2005-05-13T18:29:00.000-07:00

Let me say first, setting boundaries is not disrespectful, bad or wrong. In fact, emotionally healthy people set personal boundaries.

Educate people in your life about your boundaries. Calmly and respectfully inform them about how they can and cannot behave around you. Let people know what you want and don't want, what you like and don’t like.

Let people know what your limits are. This actually gives people in your life the security of knowing your relationship guidelines and eliminates their fears about how they should behave with you.

Just a note to point out that the failure or inability to set boundaries may result in several unfortunate circumstances:

Inability or unwillingness to set limits results in no protection for yourself.
Building walls to protect yourself actually blocks closeness and prevents loving and unloving interactions.
Confusion or ambivalence about setting boundaries results in partial protection.
Building walls or inadequate boundaries blocks all interactions and results in no protection.
Be a person who knows that you have a right to control distance, touching and other physical contact with people, and they have the same right with you.
You have a right to control your response to what others say, do, or expect of you, and they have the same right.
You think your own thoughts and make your own choices. You must choose to do or not to do that which is in your own best interest or in response to your experiences. Others have the same right.
If you offend or affront another person, you are responsible for the impact of your action and should make amends. If someone offends or affronts you, s/he is responsible for the impact of his or her action and should make amends.

I am going to say the same thing I said yesterday: Setting and maintaining your own boundaries and honoring the boundaries of others are skills that can be learned.

It takes mindfulness, intention and practice. Be patient with yourself as you learn and practice these important and valuable skills. It is worth it--And so are you!

Until next time remember…

Only YOU can make it Happen!

How Do Boundaries Work?

2005-05-12T18:11:00.000-07:00

We learn to set boundaries to protect two different parts of Self:

Boundaries for our Outside Self, which protect our body and control distance and touch
Boundaries for our Inside Self, which act as filters or blocks to protect our thinking, feeling and behavior

Boundaries that protect our Outside Self can be violated by such actions as:

Touching or standing too close without permission
Intruding on a person's privacy; for instance, walking into the bathroom or bedroom without knocking, or getting into another's personal possessions without permission

Boundaries that protect our Inside Self can be violated by such actions as:

Yelling, screaming, name calling, ridiculing, lying, patronizing and sarcasm
Negative control
Unrealistic expectations
Demanding one's own way or point of view as the only choice

A boundary is not a barrier. Setting boundaries raises your sense of self-worth and self-esteem because you are sending yourself the message that you are worthy of care.

Setting and maintaining your own boundaries and honoring the boundaries of others are skills that can be learned.

It takes mindfulness, intention and practice. Be patient with yourself as you learn and practice these important and valuable skills. It is worth it--And so are you!

Until next time remember…

Only YOU can make it Happen!

Why Are Boundaries Important?

2005-05-11T17:44:00.000-07:00

If your life is filled with discord and you don’t feel that others respect you, it's time to set your boundaries.

Each of us experiences our reality in four ways:

Body - what we look like
Thinking - how we give meaning to incoming data
Feelings - our emotional response
Behavior - what we do or don't do

Intact boundaries give measured protection to your body, thinking, feelings and behaviors as you evaluate and assess the words and actions of other people in your life. You filter your experiences through your cognitive mind and your feelings. Through the use of your boundaries you determine which words and actions you will accept and which you will block when they are unacceptable.

We set boundaries to protect our body, thinking, feelings and behavior.

This week give some thought to how well you set and maintain your own boundaries and honor the boundaries of others.

What are your boundaries?
Where do you draw the line?
How do you react when someone sets a boundary on you?

To find out, think of instances in the past few weeks or months when you felt intense emotion in response to something someone did or said to you.
Do you tend to give in?

Do you act against yourself or allow others to do things against your wishes?
Do you tolerate unacceptable conditions?
What did your family teach you about boundaries?
Do you have difficulty saying no or hearing no said to you?
The person who has hurt you says, "I'm sorry," but what does the behavior say to you?

Until next time remember…

Only YOU can make it Happen!

What Are Boundaries?

2005-05-10T16:17:00.000-07:00

If your life is filled with more of what you don't want and not enough of what you do want, it's time to set your boundaries.

Boundaries define a person's sense of self (i.e., who he or she is as an individual). Setting boundaries makes others feel safe around you and allows you to feel safe in your environment. It is a way to exhibit self-respect, thereby increasing the respect shown to you by others.

Boundaries…

Help other people know how to treat you
Define your sense of self
Delineate how much you have to give of time, money or energy
Are dividing lines between you and everyone else that represents both physical and emotional limits others may not violate
Separate your needs, wants, desires, thoughts and feelings from others'

Setting and keeping your boundaries and honoring the boundaries of others are among the most challenging and confusing behaviors in relationships.

Boundaries are innate and natural to everyone. Each of you has your own internal indicator of when a boundary is being violated. A boundary, when crossed by others, will create intense feelings of anger, hurt or outrage inside you.

Take some time and ask yourself two important questions:

“What boundaries do I need to set?” “What boundaries are others’ asking me to honor?”

Until next time remember…

Only YOU can make it Happen!

Are You Ready For a Relationship?

2005-05-09T17:15:00.000-07:00

Your life will not be “better” if you are in a relationship. We take ourselves with us wherever we go…especially into love relationships.

A successful, committed relationship depends upon being ready:

Physically
Emotionally
Financially
Legally
Spiritually

for the life and relationship that you want. Get your personal work done first!

Be sure you…

Spend enough time clarifying your personal Vision, Requirements, Needs and Wants.
Spend all the time it takes to answer the questions: Who am I? What do I want? How do I get what I want?
Focus on developing and practicing dating skills.
Be as ready as you can be to meet your ideal mate and create the life and the love life that affirms and esteems your best self!

Please visit my web site, Dr. Jackie Black and take the FREE Readiness Assessment.

Until next time remember…

Only YOU can make it Happen!

How to Receive an Apology

2005-05-08T10:03:00.000-07:00

For most of us, it is equally difficult and uncomfortable to receive an apology as to offer an apology! Offering and receiving apologies is an art and requires learning a few simple skills and practicing those skills often.

Here Are *8 Easy Steps* to Receiving an Apology

1. Take a deep breath.

2. Remind yourself that the person who hurt you is not the enemy.

3. Remind yourself that the person who hurt you is a person you cherish and value and you know s/he wouldn’t hurt you for anything in the world.

4. Remind yourself that a very common response to telling someone that they hurt you is for them to get mad at you.

5. Keep breathing!

6. Now repeat after me…

"I believe that s/he is sorry that what s/he said (or didn’t say) or what s/he did (or didn’t do) that made me feel like s/he doesn’t care about me.

I believe that it was not his or her intention to say or do anything that would upset me or cause me hurt.

I choose to take in my partner’s acknowledgement that something happened that hurt me.

I choose to allow this apology to begin to repair my hurt feelings.

I choose to allow this apology to soften my heart, calm my upset and cool my anger.

I choose to allow this apology to soothe the wound in my heart now."

7. Then take another deep breath and be quiet.

8. Allow yourself to begin to be transformed by your knowing that you are loved, respected and valued. Allow the power of apology to start the healing process.

Take a few minutes now and review the last three "posts" about Apologies. These four "posts" represent the entire "Apology Process."

Practice these skills and make it a priority to become an expert at offering and receiving/accepting apologies. It will improve your relatioships and the quality of your life beyond measure!

Until next time...

Only YOU can make it Happen!

How to Offer an Apology

2005-05-07T09:14:00.000-07:00

For most of us, offering an apology feels awkward or uncomfortable.

For one thing, we don't have a lot of practice. For another thing, the concept of apologizing is often associated with being "bad" or "wrong."

Consider thinking about an apology as a behavior that says, "You matter to me. I am sorry for doing or saying something that has hurt your feelings or made YOU feel badly."

There is nothing in that sentence of intention about YOU being "bad" or doing anything "wrong"!

Here Are *8 Easy Steps* to Offering an Apology:

1. Take a deep breath.

2. Remind yourself that the person who is hurt is not the enemy.

3. Remind yourself that the person who is hurt is a person you cherish and value and whom you wouldn’t hurt for anything in the world.

4. Remind yourself that a very common response to someone telling us that they have been hurt by us is to get angry!

5. Keep breathing!

6. Now Repeat After Me…

"I am sorry that what I said (or didn’t say) or what I did (or didn’t do) made you feel like I don’t care about you.

It was not my intention to say or do anything that would upset you or cause you hurt.

What can I do or say right now to repair the hurt in your heart?

I care about you. It matters to me that you are hurt. I want to make the hurt better."

7. Take another deep breath and be quiet.

8. Allow him or her time to let your words sink in and start to soothe the hurt; salve the wounded heart.

That's all there is to it!

I invite you to practice this new skill often, in the privacy of your own safe space. Allow the words become more comfortable to say and the new behavior to become more familiar.

Then, make an apology to another person at the very next opportunity.

Until next time remember...

Only YOU can make it Happen!

When to Apologize

2005-05-06T08:26:00.000-07:00

If your Honey is hurt or offended by something you said or didn’t say, or did or didn’t do, his or her upset is not an indictment of you. It doesn’t mean you are a bad person. It doesn’t even mean you did something bad or wrong.

In fact, it may not mean anything at all about you. It is definitely a message about your partner. And an apology is in order.

Please know that your partner’s hurt or upset is a message to you about him or her. The message is: What you did or said by commission or omission didn’t land right.

In committed relationships that are loving, mutually respectful and based on good will and good intention, it is important that both partners be alert as to how your words and actions affect and impact one another.

As a loving partner it matters to you if your partner’s feelings are hurt.

Defensiveness, shifting the blame, being disparaging, trying to make light of the hurt or offense is unkind and disrespectful. If you engage in any of that adolescent behavior, stop it!

Begin practicing the fine art of apologizing today! It is well worth the effort.

Until next time remember...

Only YOU can make it Happen!

What is an Apology?

2005-05-02T09:47:00.000-07:00

It is highly likely that in the course of relationships with associates, friends, family members and your significant other you will do or say something or not do or say something that will cause someone hurt.

Reacting to the words and actions of others is normal, natural and necessary when we are involved and invested in a relationship with another, regardless of the nature or structure of that relationship.

Your apology is an act of loving kindness and is an offering to repair the hurt. It does not speak directly to the perceived offense.

The very act of apologizing must be an integral part of all committed relationships regardless of the nature of the relationship.

It is not about not having one’s feelings hurt! It is about both partners offering and receiving apologies when a hurt or an offense is experienced and reported by one of them.

Apologies Do Not Necessarily Resolve Issues

Sometime after you and your partner have re-established the emotional status quo between you, schedule a time to sit down and problem solve whatever the content was of the event that was hurtful or upsetting.

Do not attempt to do this as long as one of you is feeling hurt or upset. Heal the hurt first.

Relationships have their own rhyme and rhythm. One essential skill to learn and use frequently is the art and act of apologizing and accepting an apology.

No one is perfect and no relationship is without its ups and downs. The art and the act of offering and receiving apologies is a skill well worth learning, practicing and using with each other often.

Until next time remember...

Only YOU can make it Happen!

Welcome to My Personal Relationship and Coaching Blog.

2005-03-27T13:12:00.000-08:00

I launched this blog with the express purpose of inspiring and supporting single men, single women and married couples to design their best lives and love lives, and build lasting, committed love relationships.

My frequent posts will provide coaching advice and real skills and tools that you can begin using in all your relationships today! Please visit my blog often and visit my web site too. My web site is Dr. Jackie Black.com.

Until next time remember...

Only YOU can make it Happen!

Personal relationship coaching and advice

AskDr.Jackie.com Goes LIVE

**ANNOUNCEMENT**

Technical Challenges!

Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say

10 Tips For Safe Internet Dating

10 Tips For Successful Internet Dating

19 Simple Remiders For A Richer, More Meaningful Life

How Do You Set Boundaries?

How Do Boundaries Work?

Why Are Boundaries Important?

What Are Boundaries?

Are You *Ready* For a Relationship?

How to Receive an Apology

How to Offer an Apology

When to Apologize

What is an Apology?

Welcome to My Personal Relationship and Coaching Blog.

ANNOUNCEMENT

Are You Ready For a Relationship?